5 Reasons Why... Example is a tedious bollock.

1.       He lacks any ambition whatsoever. In an interview, Example has pledged to keep making the dismal vaguely-ravey-but-without-the-poppers pop which is festering around the top 40 currently. The following quote made me deeply morose for a good week or so: “I have a formula now. Some people try to be too creative and too artistic.” O Icarus! Fly not too close to the sun, lest your waxen wings melt and you find yourself ditched head-first into the HMV bargain bin. He continues: “The people want uplifting rave music, so I think, why not simply five the people what they want?” Because, to quote Super Hans, ‘people’ like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can’t trust ‘people’.

2.       He’s a Jack-of-some-trades, master of being a knob. He describes his career trajectory in his Twitter bio as “Started off singing. Then rapping. Now back to singing. But still rap occasionally.” Upon waking from the stupor this enthralling account has put us in, we can examine exactly how true this is. Does lethargically murmuring the same two or three notes count as singing? No. His rapping “skills” are making Biggy Smalls spin in his grave, and when you consider how fat he was that’s going to have some serious seismological consequences.

3.       He would make an appalling boyfriend. In another peach of an interview, Example outlines his idea of a ‘good date’. He would take the unfortunate lady to Pizza Express, as "if I go [there] I'm guaranteed to get asked for maybe 20 pictures. There's a good chance she'll want to sleep with you after that." Even if this sleazing gets you going, ladies, don’t expect him to lavish you with gifts.  “I'm good with rhyming words”, he says without any apparent sense of irony, “so I don't have to buy that many gifts; I'll just write a poem.” Very noble. And how long do you spend on these masterworks, Mr. Example? “Maybe a minute,” he says. Form a queue, girls! You’re worth a minute of his time! Maybe!

4.       He’s a total Nan kid. Nan kids don’t necessarily have to hang around with their Nan too much; there are multiple criteria for spotting one. Look at his boring Lego-man haircut. From this we can deduce much. He can’t stand having different sections of his meal touch each other, and covers the whole thing in ketchup, no matter what it is. He says “For flip’s sake!” instead of swearing properly. He can’t throw or catch. He ties his jacket round his waist when he gets too warm. He thinks that he’ll go to jail because someone smoked one joint at the only party he’s ever been to. He wears running shoes rather than shoes or trainers. He uses carrier bags to lug his belongings around. Get rid of him.

5.       Here is one of his poems I found in a bin. “Oh [insert name of girl] I love you, / Yeah I really do, it’s true, / But I think your greatest feature, / Is the way you’ll settle for an 8 inch margherita.”