5 Reasons Why... Pixie Lott can bore off.

1.       She has no discernible personality whatsoever. Judging by her interviews, she has absolutely no opinions on anything at all. If you touched her, she would feel like a dense mist. Breathe the mist in and you’ll smell that disinfectant they use in hospitals. She’s essentially the Qui-Gon Jinn of pop.

2.       The video for ‘Kiss the Stars’. Lott’s latest single is a very poor show, even leaving aside for a moment the ropey eurotrance synths and, in “Put the plug in the socket give me all your power”, its inclusion of quite the least appealing sexual innuendo in pop since 50 Cent asked us to lick his lollipop. The CGI budget appears to have been about thirty quid, most of which was spent on sandwiches; the heavily polygon’d dancers have wandered straight out of FIFA 97, and there are close-ups which make her look like she’s falling backwards through a time vortex from a mid-70s episode of Doctor Who. Most horrifyingly of all, she has her hair in a high ponytail which makes her look exactly like X Factor reject Katy Brucknall, the one with a voice that could bend a girder at fifty paces and a quite alarming Messiah complex. I thought I’d expunged her, but back she comes, rolling into my brain strapped to a flaming Catherine wheel. Cheers Pixie.

3.       Her Twitter feed is both boring and infuriating. Many pop stars have names for their Twitter followers: Marina has her Diamonds; Cher Lloyd has Brats; Sir Alan Sugar has his Sugar-tits. Pixie Lott has, in the most excruciating, cutesy, funky-primary-school-teacher way, her ‘Crazy Cats’. This kind of sickening infantilism was meant to have been purged from the charts when the Tweenies’ second album bombed (sources close to the band reported tensions in the studio due to musical differences between Milo and Fizz). I did think Lott was quite cool before I started following her, but the amount of pictures of fried breakfasts she tweets have rather ruined her mystique.

4.       She stole VV Brown’s career. Lott launched herself – and I say ‘launched’ in the same sense that during sieges in the Middle Ages, dead cows and horses would be launched into enemy camps in order to spread disease and weaken them for attack – at roughly the same time as the extremely lovely VV Brown. Brown was armed with ‘Shark in the Water’, named the best single of 2009 at the 5 Reasons Why... Awards (known internationally as the FRYs). Lott had a cracking set of pins. Poptown wasn’t big enough for the both of them (literally – VV Brown is about 6 foot 3). Lott went on to the top 10 and a starring role in Fred: the Movie, the main joke of which is that the main character is slightly sped up and screams a lot. VV Brown modelled for Marks & Spencer. Poor old VV.

5.       She won’t return my calls. :’(