5 Reasons Why... Gaga could do with a couple of months aboard the good ship Calm The Fuck Down.

1.       The whole ‘Isn’t Gaga a bit mad’ thing is wearing thin. Being slightly crackers was Gaga’s USP (see: the Kermit coat; arriving at the Grammys in an egg; having prosthetic horns sculpted onto herself), but now it all seems a bit forced and contrived. Frankly, she pales in comparison to the very genuine mental instability of ex-Corrs guitarist Jim Corr, who now splits his time between sailing and attempting to convince anyone who’ll listen of the veracity of any number of conspiracy theories. You name it, Jim believes it: that 9/11 was an inside job, that “Edwin Poots The Northern Irish Sickness Minister wants to chemically lobotomise the citizens of NI and dramatically increase cancer and sterility rates by adding Sodium Fluoride to the water supply”, that the government is artificially inflating the price of Freddos. Possibly it was the strain of having to be the ugly, boring one in the Corrs who got the piss ripped out of him on SM:TV every week which pushed him over the edge.

2.       The album artwork for Born This Way. “OK guys, I’ve got a vision for what the new album cover’s going to look like.” That’s great Gaga, shoot. “So it’s a black background...” Yep, good, black. Sleek, sophisticated, modern, understated. “...and there’s this motorbike...” Brilliant! Rock ‘n’ roll! Rebellion! This is going to be amazing! “...and then in the middle of the handlebars, we badly Photoshop a picture of my face.” Er... right. We’ll sort that out. “Oh, and can you make the actual title of the album look like something from the front of a straight-to-DVD sci-fi release? Cheers.”

3.       She might then have the time to have some ideas of her own. Picking up tidbits, magpie-like, from other artists is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody does it. Elvis Costello nicked his look wholesale from Buddy Holly. Paul McCartney took his head-wobbling ‘ooooh’s from Little Richard. Likewise, the little nods to Vogue-era Madonna were fun at the start, but just rewriting ‘Hey Jude’ (see ‘You & I’) and stealing Annie Lennox’s idea of dressing up as a man who looks a bit like Elvis simply will not do.

4.       Encroaching jazz-fusion horror. I doubt anyone who saw Gaga at Radio 1’s Big Weekend last year was thinking, “I’m bloody sick of ‘Bad Romance’, I hope she only does about 90 seconds of it and then wastes half an hour doing Nat King Cole covers clumsily customised to be about the royal wedding.”

5.       As this is the last print column, here are some other people I hate. Fred Durst; Phil Collins (divorced his wife by fax); Pitbull; Flo Rida; The Voice’s Danny O’Don’t-Know-Who-You-Are-Pal; Olly Murs; The Script; Mumford & Sons; The Courteeners; Viva Brother; Liam Gallagher; Jim Morrison; Frank Turner. And finally, if I ever get the chance, I swear I’ll kick David Guetta so hard in the groin that his cock and balls resemble the blade of a tiny shovel and two mini cheddars.

5 Reasons Why... if Jessie J doesn't just cut it out right now we're going to have words.

1.       Oversinging to the point that she sounds like she’s been harpooned. While Jessie J obviously has pipes, I think we can all agree that the best use of them is not to take one syllable, grasp it by the hair, drag it across broken glass and smash its face into a bare brick wall until it breaks down, weeping for mercy.

2.       THE VOICE. There are a great many things wrong with The Voice –tedious emphasis on ‘authenticity’, will.i.am, disdain for ‘gimmicks’ (except for MASSIVE SPINNING CHAIRS) – but Jessie J is probably the most irritating. I’m willing to forgive her using the word “fantabalusive”. I kept my mouth shut when she got that hideous purple dip-dye. However, I cannot sit idly by and let her mouth along to whatever song is being sung while waggling her fingers and winding her neck roundabout. That she feels the need to gurn along is indicative of this seismically awful belm’s attention-seeking mentality.#

3.       She’s a patronising bellend. After breaking her foot last summer, Jessie J told everyone that she had “a different respect for people who don’t have legs”. Not content with patting amputees on the head, she decided to pat herself on the back. She continued: “Just after I broke my foot, I was in my living room and I put on Beyoncé’s ‘Save The Hero’, like, 'If I'm not around, who saves the hero?' And it made me realise, like, I need someone now. You give so much as an artist, you give, you give, you give.” On this evidence she’s so self-absorbed I suspect she’s made of seven or eight different types of sponge. As if this weren’t enough, her response to the riots last summer was to tweet that she was “off to the studio. If I can’t help physically. I’m going to write about it.” Admittedly, she had a broken foot, but surely she could at least strap a broom to the front of a mobility scooter. If riot clean-up duty was good enough Ricky Wilson from Kaiser Chiefs, then by Jove it’s good enough for her.

4.       Laserlight, a.k.a. the point at which Guetta reached the bottom of the barrel. It’s not a compliment when David Guetta ropes you into something, since his recruitment approach seems to be ringing everyone in the phone book. It’s even less of a compliment when the track itself sounds like he cobbled it together at half past five on a Friday afternoon while desperate to shoot off early for a pint.

5.       She’s not nearly as cool as she thinks she is. Jumpsuits have been shown, time and again, and to be unacceptable fashion pieces outside of a gymnasium. If they don’t work even on properly cool practitioners like Grace Jones and Anthea Turner, there’s no hope for Jessie J. It’s a sad indictment of her cool levels that she makes will.i.am look like James Bond. That’s will.i.am, the man who said, “I don’t have tactics; I got Tic-Tacs, ‘cos I stay fresh. Holla.” Holla indeed, will.i.am. Now hit her with a lead pipe and I’ll give you a fiver.